Resolutions for a New Life

I have a much longer, handwritten list of resolutions that I’ve been adding to for years. Those included below should be considered a sample. Of course, none of these are as cool as others’ lists, but it’s all mine.

While some of them might seem to be tongue-in-cheek, they’re not. Just because something is fun, silly, or weird doesn’t mean I don’t really, really want to do it. In fact, I’m more likely to work harder just to get it to come about. Other things I’ve included might seem like things anyone can do, or has done, which is precisely why I want to do it. There are a lot of things that I didn’t get to do as a kid, and I plan on correcting that now.

The other stuff that seems a bit strange? Yeah. I really am that twisted.

Things I want to do:

Hang gliding
Lampwork/flamework
Wire work and/or soldering, preferably both
Skydiving
Learn to ride a bike
Convert a rabid Republican or bean him with the ol’ soap-in-a-sock
Learn to surf
Ride in a hot-air balloon
Spelunking
Fly a helicopter
Fly a plane
scuba diving
Lapidary work
PHP/SQL
Pat a tiger
Python
Have sex upside down
play the harmonica
play the sax
Make a bunch of voodoo dolls and display them in my living room, then make sure their models see them (Yes, I know they have no power, I’m not stupid. But man, I’d get a kick out of seeing people’s faces)
Play the trombone
The piano!
Try absinthe
Eat something that’s been set on fire. Other than a marshmallow.
Drink something that’s been set on fire.
Learn to play the guitar (well)
Have sex in an airplane.
Enameling
Learn to write well.
Pay for sex, just once. Or twice.
Meet an alien.
Photograph myself standing next to an alien, giving him bunny ears (admit it, that would be so cool)
Start a nonprofit insurance company
Have sex under a waterfall on a really hot, humid day
Sex in space.
Find a man. Steal his shoes. Run away.
Tango
Do the Jitterbug
See somebody speak in tongues. Mock them afterwards.
Create an opensource, free Name-a-Star company. Anyone can do it, and nothing on the internet is ever lost forever.
Sex with a humanoid alien—or one with many tentacles
Date a dentist. Do it in his chair.
Do the bag boy
Start my collection harem of bag girls

Things I NEED to do to make myself a better person, healthwise or otherwise:

Quit smoking
Spend lots of money on geeky or nerdy things, without wondering, “what will everyone think?”
Volunteer for something
Lose weight
Talk to old people
Remember to use coasters
Organize my home, so that everything has a place
Keep things in their places
Stop being so violent…learn control or something.
Speak up when spoken down to
Stop speaking out when I THINK I’m being spoken down to. Be politic, for gossakes!
Gain weight (or muscle, it’s all relative—just LOOK good for once)
Wear more T-shirts like my “Feminist Bitch” one (still working on my wardrobe, of course)
Don’t feel shy or embarrassed (or learn to act…I can settle for ACTING confident) about my scifi/fantasy/rpg fetishes.
Be sexy, not slutty
Respond to ALL e-mails, letters, phone calls, outside communications, even if they aren’t of extraterrestrial origin
Cut cheese consumption to once a month. Not a whole wheel once a month, just a serving.
Stop pretending you don’t like NSA sex.
Be kinder
Be more forgiving, somehow.
Stop detesting stupid people. (It’s like kicking a stool you tripped over in the dark. The stool doesn’t know any better, and you only hurt yourself getting all worked up over it.)
STOP SLEEPING WITH HOLES (No, I didn’t misspell that. I understand that you’d feel more comfortable if I’d termed it “whores” or “hoes”. Think of it as a combination of the two, with the added cunt-visual thrown in.) i.e., no more one night stands.Stop calling people “holes” and pretending it’s somehow *not* calling them whores or sluts just because I use a different word.
One night stands are great. One night stands to feed this lame ego trip I’m on–aren’t. Learn the difference.