The only thing I really did today was change the WP theme so that it had a white background instead of dark teal and made a few minor cosmetic changes to the CSS. Well, that, and threw balled-up socks at my dog—I mean, for my dog. He’s crazy about getting hit in the head.

And as another mini-update, I hacked the age verification plugin so that it no longer blocks bots. And instead of entering your date of birth (which is entirely lame–everyone knows that kids under 18 know how to lie to a button link) you tick off a check box and hit “enter”. Sorry that I left it so long; I find the damn things annoying myself, but my current host requires an entry page. It’s a quick and dirty hack, but I’ll clean it up and release it in case anyone else with a WordPress blog needs one. I’m sure that soon enough we all will.

Anyway, aside from idle masturbation (Hey, did you know that graham crackers were created to curb masturbation?* All those crumbs, I guess.), I’ve had a fairly productive day. Patting my own back. In regards to the title, the plugin’s the only real hack I had to share. So I’ve grabbed some quick filler to make up for it. FOX News does it, and now I can, too.

Masturbation hack #1

Try snacks.

*Corn Flakes, Graham Crackers, and Other Anti-Masturbatory Devices
The late 1800s to the early 1900s were dark days for masturbation. During this time both Corn Flakes and Graham Crackers were developed in an effort to curb masturbatory impulses in young boys (which were seen as leading to poor health, mental illness, and all manner of evil). Between 1856 and 1932 the U.S. Patent Office approved 33 patents for “anti-masturbation” devices. These torture devices developed by physicians and moralistic inventors alike ranged from spiked rings to male chastity belts to electrifying devices that would be sufficient for “burning the flesh” causing “great physical pain, and possible mutilation”.

via About.com Sexuality

Masturbation hack #2

Follow a guide. Here’s a nugget of wisdom from one:

If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don’t suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will.

This can even lead to “mutual masturbation” for which you will surely go to hell! (emphasis mine–spreading the love) And I’m talking about mutual masturbation with the opposite sex. If you practice it with the same sex, you have even bigger problems than just masturbating. Especially if you like it.

You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.

If any of your present friends have pimples, yellow teeth, runny noses or excessive ear wax, avoid them like the measles!

via some weird Geocities site.

Masturbation hack #3

Use things you have on hand.

Get a little housework done after you wank:

Men, you ought to try using an ostrich feather duster on your balls. Enjoy the soft sensations it gives just by rotating it around and lightly brushing/tickling against your cock and balls. Just use your imagination with it and you’ll be cumming in no time. (I really like this idea. Feather boas work great, but having a handle…hm.)

via Let’s Masturbate

This is one of my favorite methods of foreplay.

Not that we need a reason.

Masturbate for Peace isn’t anything like the Masturbate-a-thon, but hey, you can sign a “petition” pledging your masturbation towards the world peace effort. Make it mean something, you know. While you’re there, you can pick up some tips on masturbating. (I already know how to do this, so I snobbishly turned up my nose at the how-to-with-a-dildo section.) But everyone can use some new ideas now and then.

Founded and directed by Dr. Carol Queen, the seventh annual Masturbate-a-thon will be held in San Francisco on Sunday, May 25th, 2008. That’s a long way for most of us. But! You can participate from home by downloading a pledge form and having your friends sign up. Masturbate a lot on May 25th, and collect your pledges. You can send the money in yourself, or direct people to the donate page.

Want to watch? Sign up to access the live masturbation event feed on-line. Totally free. If you feel guilty and pervy, donate.

Dr. Carol Queen and Dr. Robert Lawrence donate all proceeds to the non-profit Center For Sex & Culture.

Scribble, scribble. So, fine, I need something else.

Enter KittenHate.com. WTF, you ask? Remember that fabulous photo emblazoned with the legend “Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten—Please, think of the kittens” that every single person (AND their mothers) have forwarded to you? Okay, so we all hate kittens. Every time you masturbate, you register your “kill”. Right on. Social climaxing.

You have your own microblog, complete with a feed, that shows up in a public timeline, much like Twitter’s. Your profile (or blog) shows your statistics: total kills, lifetime and daily average, number of friends, along with your world, state, and country ranking. You can also share photo galleries, public and private, allowing your some control over who sees what. Most users aren’t that shy, so you’ll be seeing quite a bit of penis and breasts. Their posts are explicit, but usually not out of the ordinary. You can filter the list by gender or whether it was solo or not (did you get fucked, or did you have to do it yourself?), but not by sexual orientation, which would have been helpful to me.

Your latest kills are listed at the bottom, and while there’s no pagination, there’s a link to your complete kill list. Each post has three sections: location, what you were thinking of, and comments. Those would be your comments on the orgasm. Personally, I’m adding a rating to mine, because that’s just what I do. While users can’t comment on your posts, they can send you a private message. Not my favorite way to communicate, particularly because of the sexual nature of the site, but this can be turned off in preferences. If you leave it on, though, there’s a very basic instant messaging option, but you have to keep the page to the person’s message open. If you don’t, though, you’ll see a blinking envelope in the side bar. Be prepared for cybersex propositions. It’s a friggin’ gold mine, if that’s what you’re looking for.

A couple other interesting things to note:

Good:

• You can link to your own blog or site on your profile page.
• There’s a new feature that rounds up all the videos that were posted by members as part of their kills.
• You can search for posts about pre-selected topics, like blow jobs, threesomes, and orgies. You can also enter your own search terms, and select an age range to further filter the results.
• You can choose not to be shown in the “online” section in the sidebar. Helpful in reducing private messages.
• Ads are unobtrusive. Five text links in the side bar and a few almost unnoticeable links in the footer.

Eh:

• No direct link to the FAQ.
• Interacting with your contacts is kind of hinky; you can view their posted kills by clicking on “Friends” in the nav bar, but you can’t see if they’re online or not, unless they’re showing up in the online section. No notifications. You can manage them by adding or deleting them in the preferences section. You can also see a list of your followers. No blocking, as far as I can tell. (I don’t care, but I’m sure some do.)
• There’s no option to opt out of the public timeline. If you’re shy, I suggest you don’t sign up, or post a kill if you do. The public timeline is also listed in the widely distributed Sex-Kitten Sex Feed (which you can see to the right here). I really like that, personally. In fact, that’s how I found Kitten Hate; a sweet little gem about a micropenis.

The site seems to be in a beta stage, but new features are being added all the time. Maybe some of those Eh items will get crossed off the list. In the meantime, I’ll be importing the feed into this blog and using it in place of my orgasm chart. Until I get that set up, you can find me here.

Via Veronica Blue’s blog, tiny nibbles: StoyaDoll, Kill the Bear

What I take issue with, is how this whole thing is treated. It can’t be crass or vulgar. That vulgar vulva is so icky. So let’s make a puppet. Women love puppets! Let’s prettify it and take some pains to explain that a real vagina won’t look like this, so don’t freak out, m’kay?

How about talking a little bit about how beautiful it is? Maybe some mention that, for centuries, societies have imbued female sexuality with so many negative connotations, so that even our very words for our genitalia are thought of as cuss words, obscenities? Remember that: our words. Our vaginas, our cunts, our pussies, ours. Not one bit of it, in all of its myriads shapes, colors, textures, and tastes, is repellent or disgusting.

We don’t need your fucking puppets.

And so, let us commence with the mocking of fake cunts.

This is your vagina. (Okay, it’s mine. And I bet mine is bigger than yours.)

Dr. Debbie’s vulva puppet is made with satin and velvet and LITTLE FLOWERS DOWN THERE in the Happy Hole. To make it seem more appealing and non-threatening. Tyra likes it: “I’m so happy you have this, because it really, it makes it cute and sweet and not scary. It’s like a stuffed animal, you know, it’s just nice, and friendly.”

Excuse me. Mine is cute, friendly, sweet, and definitely not scary. Another thing it’s not: a stuffed animal, or anything like.

Ew. I touched the clit.

Don’t be afraid, it won’t bite you.

Unless it senses your fear.

And here’s the video. Watch it before YouTube decides that the “Vulva Puppet” title is just too dirty.

I slept for a few hours this afternoon, knocked out from battling a migraine. Lucky me, I got to dream of my ex-girlfriend for the first time in years and years. I shouldn’t have been surprised that this wasn’t a romp through an adult-themed play-land, I guess. Oh, but she was cute, and I’d forgotten that. She stomped through my dreams in her Doc Martens, into my house, and locked me out. I banged on the front and back doors, yelling, begging her to let me in, but all I heard was distant laughter and all too soon, the familiar strains of my girl in climax. It was an eternal moment of despair and frustration, so like Shirley Jackson‘s The Daemon Lover, but I–I gave up and gave in, waiting for just a sight of my own demon. And unlike the short story, she came. And laughed, and brushed me aside, puzzling me with her parting words, “It just isn’t enough.”

I was in a fury, lashing at my sheets and pillows when I fully awoke. I was surprised to be so aroused and furious, so violent, needing carnal, primal release–of any sort. Angry and brutal, I rubbed my clit and plunged my fingers inside my aching cunt, desperately wanting to sap the vehemence of the storm building in my core. Anything, I pleaded with my body. Just give me something to forget. Nothing did, nothing has, but I got my orgasm, it flooded away the violence, leaving me shaken and emotionally wasted. If only it had taken the sound of her laugh with it.

Technorati : angry sex, masturbation, wet dreams

Here’s another resource I found while I was poking around for more penis pictures. Male 101 has articles, surveys, and personal stories on men’s sexuality and masturbation. What’s interesting about this site is that the survey results aren’t from multiple choice questions, they’re real answers to one or two questions from real people. This gives the reader (particularly someone like me who just can’t get enough of seeing or reading about someone jacking off) more insight than usual. The content is totally free, and the advertising is mostly non-intrusive. There are also links to surveys for and about women.

I’ll take a peek at the women’s surveys later.

Tags: masturbation, body image, men, penis, heterosexuality, homosexuality, gender