This is something along the lines of what I overheard the kids at my parents’ house listening to yesterday. The image, of course, I copped from some random message board.

Whee!

Heee hehe hehe

“Mud! Yaaaaaaaaaay”

*more giggling and a bit of wrestling*

“Ow! Something just poked me!

Ooo! Look what I found!”

“Lemme see!”

“I want to see!”

“It’s Mr Tannem and his—wait, what IS that, Teacher?”

“Well, girls, you see—heh heh hem—this is a very special, very magical wand…for discipline.”

[chorus] “Uh-oh!”

Well, that’s My virgin (grin) post. Oh, by the way… if you are at all familiar with D/s, you’ll know from My use of capital letters that I am Domme.

Which—oh my god!—worked. Just a few weeks ago it was spitting errors at me. Now I can easily post from my phone. This’ll make waiting in line a wee bit more interesting.

If there’s one thing I truly, unfailingly get off on, it’s a good sex toy. Browsing through places like Babeland, I get excited, literally aroused. In a lot of ways, it’s much better than pornography: I know that I can get what I want, when I want it (give or take the five to seven days for delivery), and it’s all mine. Manufacturers are coming up with more ways to titillate, whether it’s the range of features, ergonomic design, or forms ranging from beautiful to outré.

Steampunk makes things hotter

As vibrators go, they’re a good complement to masturbation, but not the main star when it comes to my preferred way to orgasm: via g-spot stimulation.  That’s not a con, especially since they come in so many vibrant colors and sensuous shapes, more so than the average dildo. It’s really hard not to fall in love with looks alone. I’ve seen and owned a lot of sexy looking paraphernalia, but I’ve never seen one that was so steampunk. I found the Eroscillator while on a mission to feed a burgeoning fetish for stocking porn. (Tip o’ the hat to Dungeon Place, which is where I found a review.) In true steampunk style, the Eroscillator has about a dozen attachments, a brushed-brass look—all it’s lacking are the superficial rivets to really drive the theme home—and a beautifully engineered motor.

What’s not to love?

Why is there no Steampunk Porn?

Victorian sexual repression and fetishism mixed with Edisonade machines is an incredibly heady notion. Clockwork automaton sex slaves, or torturous, endlessly reciprocating dildos. The possibilities are infinite. And I’m not alone (or completely crazy) in thinking there’s something hot about steampunk:

“There is a certain romance to any sufficiently outdated technology. Clockwork has a visceralness [sic] to it. It is hopelessly analogue in a digital world. It is obsolete excellence. The idea that Charles Babbage’s difference engine really could perform along side a modern Cray supercomputer is strangely sexy.”

— ClockworkGrue on e2

As attractive as the notion seems, there was no porn, and no erotica to be found in an evening’s search.  That doesn’t mean it’s not out there, but I’m having a hell of a time finding any. I found more steam- and cyberpunk art searching for porn and sex toys than anything else. (There was all of one “sex toy”. If anyone knows of any, I’d love a link.) There were some very erotic shots by photographer Allan Amato at Steampunk Boudoir Porn.  Jake von Slatt from The Steampunk Workshop has some sexier projects going on. Even though they’re not sex toys, he does have the Complete Mechanical Womb—and a lovely tale of it’s creator, the first fictional intersex character I’ve ever encountered.  For a budding steampunk gun-fetishist, enamoring rayguns: Dr. Grordborts Infallible Aether Oscillators.

Steampunk is ripe for erotic modification, giving us a new genre of porn.

It’s called the Monkey Rocker™, and from what I remember seeing on Sue’s show, it’s quiet and smooth. The rocking movement syncs with your (my) natural inclination to move during masturbation or sex. I’m always looking for a way to get around that whole body-spasm thing that cuts off manual manipulation right in the middle of a good orgasm.

It’s a little pricey, starting at around $800, and that’s without the attachments.  But it’s Vac-u-lock compatible (oooh <3), making the human body completely optional. And according to the website, “your Monkey Rocker™ LOVES you! And is always ready to prove it.” Everybody likes a little lovin’.

I am loving the look of the Curve right now. Aside from the sinuous shaft and perfectly shaped head, it has a finger-loop for a handle. I’ve never understood why manufacturers didn’t make ergonomic grips for dildos and vibes. This isn’t exactly what I had in mind, but it’s damn sight better than most. The head and angle definitely look like it hits the spot, though. I really like the dildos that have a “head” rather than just a nub for g-spot stimulation; the head just makes the in-n-outs more enjoyable.

I have a vibrator from the same company (Fun Factory) that makes the Curve, and it’s pretty ergonomic. And cute. I like to keep a whitelist of good sex toy manufacturers, and they’re one. I forget where I got it (it’s called the Laya, I believe), but it’s a good bet it’s from either Babeland or Good Vibrations. I’m adding the Curve to my Most Wanted List.

As an aside, it’s listed under “extra large” dildos. Uhm, no. It’s a little over 1.5″ in diameter. That’s quite average, so don’t let it scare you off.

Just the silhouettes of the insertables are artistic.  Delve a little deeper, and I think you’ll find one that will hit damn near any spot you have, think you might have, or hope to have.

Another mention-worthy item is…Jack.  Or rather, Jack’s Ass. While this really wouldn’t do me much good as a sex toy (though hell, yes, I would try it out, given the chance. I’ve got a Feeldoe, baby), I think the form is incredibly erotic. Bronze silicone, perfectly shaped.

And inserts! Now that’s just friggin’ cool. Toys like this make me want a penis.

*ahem*

Of my own.

While most of these seemed to be geared toward prostate stimulation and massage (there’s even a puppy tail in a variety of sizes, hawt), I’m positive we women can find a number of these to our liking.  And if it doesn’t work, we can always use it during foreplay.

I know that in a previous post I’d come down on Tyra Banks’ vulva puppet show—not because I hate vagina dollies, but because I don’t think we need to pretty them up to be less threatening. Pretty vulva art, on the other hand, gets an accolade from me.  Lauren Sinnott (a.k.a. The Art Goddess, has created some beautiful, sensual, cunt-lovin’ vulva purses that would make Inga Muscio proud.  I only wish this site had been included in the resources section of Muscio’s book, Cunt.

I don’t have a favorite, really, and I don’t want to rip all the images to display here, but if I had to choose, the vulva valentine purse is one of my favorites.

Second up would be this bag.  Honestly, I really want to slip my hand in that.

[Panicky shrieking] “Haha, honey, I’m just kidding. Let me get the real fuck toy.”

Or even better, use it with a partner who has a size fetish. The Stout is pretty close, and the respectable size guarantees you won’t be wearing your partner out too quickly. I’ve mentioned the Feeldoe before, but for those who aren’t familiar with it, it’s a harness-less double dildo. It takes a little practice to use, but it’s definitely worth it. Your first couple tries are bound to be a bit wobbly. Yes, even if you religiously do your Kegel exercises. I do, and thought I wouldn’t have a problem. Your muscles just need to learn to grip it firmly, and you’re all set to go.

I can’t praise this accessory enough: you get full skin contact while you’re fucking your partner and G-spot and clitoral stimulation. How can you beat that for a deal? And guess what else is neat? Guys can use this anally, to give their loved ones some double penetration. I haven’t had a guy use it on me that way. Yet. But I’ve got plans, baby. I’d never thought about before. Of course, I’ve had lovely dreams of harnessed-and-dildoed men dancing through my dreams, but I hadn’t even noticed I’d had the means right in front of me. I’m almost positive that the bulb (or “pony” as the manufacturers like to call it) would penetrate far enough to massage the prostate. My only worry would be…well, what about your balls? Only one way to find out, I guess. : )

DP, here I come.