I came across a clip from the Tyra Banks Show on Stereohyped and got to see a real live vulva puppet. I get that there really are women out there that don’t know much about their girly bits. (We’ll just call them cunts from here on out, shall we? It’s my favorite word and bit. Semantics later.) It’s great that there are people out there who can give them real information about their bodies, how and what to touch, where babies and pee comes from, etc.

What I take issue with, is how this whole thing is treated. It can’t be crass or vulgar. That vulgar vulva is so icky. So let’s make a puppet. Women love puppets! Let’s prettify it and take some pains to explain that a real vagina won’t look like this, so don’t freak out, m’kay?

How about talking a little bit about how beautiful it is? Maybe some mention that, for centuries, societies have imbued female sexuality with so many negative connotations, so that even our very words for our genitalia are thought of as cuss words, obscenities? Remember that: our words. Our vaginas, our cunts, our pussies, ours. Not one bit of it, in all of its myriads shapes, colors, textures, and tastes, is repellent or disgusting.

We don’t need your fucking puppets.

And so, let us commence with the mocking of fake cunts.

This is your vagina. (Okay, it’s mine. And I bet mine is bigger than yours.)

Dr. Debbie’s vulva puppet is made with satin and velvet and LITTLE FLOWERS DOWN THERE in the Happy Hole. To make it seem more appealing and non-threatening. Tyra likes it: “I’m so happy you have this, because it really, it makes it cute and sweet and not scary. It’s like a stuffed animal, you know, it’s just nice, and friendly.”

Excuse me. Mine is cute, friendly, sweet, and definitely not scary. Another thing it’s not: a stuffed animal, or anything like.

Ew. I touched the clit.

Don’t be afraid, it won’t bite you.

Unless it senses your fear.

And here’s the video. Watch it before YouTube decides that the “Vulva Puppet” title is just too dirty.

Tags: rants, sex education