A Recipe for Bitch Cake

cakeflyer.jpg This is the love letter someone left on my windshield a few days back. I’ve been called a lot of things, but never a bitch cake. I fucking love it! Too bad she misspelled dyke. Eucalingus thinks it’s a woman who wrote it, and since it’s signed “Whore”, I’m going to assume a teensy bit that that’s a woman’s name and agree with him. I totally deserved this note, too. I usually park on the street, in a space where two cars could fit—if there wasn’t a mail box at each end. So yeah, I park in the middle like the nice mail carrier asked me to.

Doesn’t it look like it says, “Stop perving on the pickle”? At least it does to me, in the thumbnail version.

So, to celebrate my new appellation, I’ve converted the following recipe. The original was contributed to the 1957 edition of the Searchlight Recipe Book by Olive C. Leary. I thought its original title was appropriate, as well: Sour Milk Devil’s Food Cake. Now you, too, can have a Bitch Cake of your very own.

8078125.jpg

2 cups brown sugar
1/2 cup shortening
2 eggs, well beaten
1 cup whey or sour milk*
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1/3 cup cocoa
1 tsp vanilla (or lemon extract for extra bitterness)
1/4 tsp salt
2 1/2 cups flour

Cream sugar and shortening. Ball-bust the eggs and beat thoroughly. (Yes, just like a scrotum.) Sift flour, measure, and sift with baking soda, baking powder, cocoa, and salt. Add dry ingredients alternately with sour milk to first mixture. Blend thoroughly but lightly. Let stand five minutes. Pour into well-oiled bundt pan. (You can use any type of pan, but the hole in the bundt cake symbolizes our desire to fuck Family Values in the fudge hole.) Bake at 375 degrees F. for about twenty minutes. Decorate with chocolate fudge icing and—yup, you guessed it—nuts!

Sour milk is difficult to find and make these days, but you can make your own in a few ways: for 1 cup, use 15 tbs of milk and one of either vinegar, lemon, or baking soda. It’s not as disgusting as it sounds. The concept is similar to sour cream.

For fancy occasions, make a two layer cake and use any flavor (bitter is best!) icing to decorate top of cake with the official Man-Hating Feminazi-Dyke symbol. You might try to find a soy-based frosting to boost the dyke factor or you can go old school and use Pepsi Frosting. I hear it might cause some kind of homosexual disorder.

feminazi symbol

You can print this feminazi symbol, cut it out, and use it as a stencil. This is the cupcake-sized stencil, click the image for a cake-sized one. Can also be used to graffiti helpless, naked men on male-bashing sprees.


Technorati : , , , , , , ,

10 Comments

  • HAHA oh that’s rich.

    I’m like a Femi-nazi, except straight and white.

    No, wait…

    Brad

  • Eucalingus wrote:

    I’d eat it right up, of course after licking all the icing off…

  • So in this case, you actually can have your bitch cake and eat it as well?

    Written in red biro, and can’t spell dyke. Hmmm, I would guess a teacher at some christian school.

    Looking at it closely, it might also say “stop porking in the middle”. Ahh.. some christian biology teacher then.

  • This bitch cake has a lot of icing, Eucalingus. ; )

    I think we could sneak you past the censors if you let me dress you up a bit, Brad. Then you, too, could help plot the amazon take-over!

    You’re always cracking me up, Shockwave. : ) It looked like it was written with a grease pencil or something similar, you know, those crayon-type things for glass. I thought it was lip liner at first. That does bring to mind artists, though!

  • There is a lot of fudge around that hole. LOL This is too funny. Just dropping by after your post. Thanks for your comments and write up. :-)

  • My pleasure, Nicole, and thanks for comment! The fudgier the better, and I think all the gooey goodness enhances the “fudge hole” component of the cake. ; )

  • Wait a second this strange combination of random notes and swastikas reminds me of the time a friend and I went to the catholic school where they ragged on her, and I’d made dozens of drawn-on envelops with clouds with swastikas on them raining on cars and people labeled as the people’s people and school’s people’s cars. There were also sex acts. We left them in nooks and crannies.

    Brad

  • I meant “school’s people”. I’m cranked on hypnotics right now and fly in three hours.

    Huzzah

  • I mean LEAVE TO FLY in three hours. Fuck it. I’m on Ambien and can POST AS MUCH AS I WANT.

  • And here I was hoping you’d teach me to fly, Brad! Post as much as you like, you always knock crack me up. : ) <--- Effexor or whatever that crap is called.

Leave a Reply

Your email is never shared.Required fields are marked *