This is the love letter someone left on my windshield a few days back. I’ve been called a lot of things, but never a bitch cake. I fucking love it! Too bad she misspelled dyke. Eucalingus thinks it’s a woman who wrote it, and since it’s signed “Whore”, I’m going to assume a teensy bit that that’s a woman’s name and agree with him. I totally deserved this note, too. I usually park on the street, in a space where two cars could fit—if there wasn’t a mail box at each end. So yeah, I park in the middle like the nice mail carrier asked me to.
Doesn’t it look like it says, “Stop perving on the pickle”? At least it does to me, in the thumbnail version.
So, to celebrate my new appellation, I’ve converted the following recipe. The original was contributed to the 1957 edition of the Searchlight Recipe Book by Olive C. Leary. I thought its original title was appropriate, as well: Sour Milk Devil’s Food Cake. Now you, too, can have a Bitch Cake of your very own.
2 cups brown sugar
1/2 cup shortening
2 eggs, well beaten
1 cup whey or sour milk*
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1/3 cup cocoa
1 tsp vanilla (or lemon extract for extra bitterness)
1/4 tsp salt
2 1/2 cups flour
Cream sugar and shortening. Ball-bust the eggs and beat thoroughly. (Yes, just like a scrotum.) Sift flour, measure, and sift with baking soda, baking powder, cocoa, and salt. Add dry ingredients alternately with sour milk to first mixture. Blend thoroughly but lightly. Let stand five minutes. Pour into well-oiled bundt pan. (You can use any type of pan, but the hole in the bundt cake symbolizes our desire to fuck Family Values in the fudge hole.) Bake at 375 degrees F. for about twenty minutes. Decorate with chocolate fudge icing and—yup, you guessed it—nuts!
Sour milk is difficult to find and make these days, but you can make your own in a few ways: for 1 cup, use 15 tbs of milk and one of either vinegar, lemon, or baking soda. It’s not as disgusting as it sounds. The concept is similar to sour cream.
For fancy occasions, make a two layer cake and use any flavor (bitter is best!) icing to decorate top of cake with the official Man-Hating Feminazi-Dyke symbol. You might try to find a soy-based frosting to boost the dyke factor or you can go old school and use Pepsi Frosting. I hear it might cause some kind of homosexual disorder.
You can print this feminazi symbol, cut it out, and use it as a stencil. This is the cupcake-sized stencil, click the image for a cake-sized one. Can also be used to graffiti helpless, naked men on male-bashing sprees.