Sticking It To The Man

I’ve heard the story many times before, and it never gets old. I certainly don’t mean that I enjoy it. Last night I was at a friend’s party celebrating, of all things, a successful hair transplant. Personally, I think it’s a totally vain and sinfully wasteful way to spend your hard-earned cash–bald or balding is sexy–but I’m not one to turn down free booze. While I was musing over the selection of cheese cubes, I overheard a conversation between some women I knew only marginally. I’m an eavesdropper with no shame; it’s my secret vice. Chance-heard conversations can be very enlightening, not just about the person or persons speaking, but it can take your train of thought down strange and bewildering paths. And that’s a great deal of fun. Add to that the fact that I thought these chicks singularly snotty and inane, and resistance, my friend, is futile. That said, on with the theatrics.

“Suck on your finger, to get it, like, wet, you know. And just slip it in his ass when you’re blowing him. He’ll love it,” declared Stupid Fuck Number One.

“He said it was gay,” demurred the Dullard.

“He doesn’t know what he’s missing. You have to show him. Everybody knows guys love it once they’ve had it,” Stupid Fuck Number Two assured her.

Barely a beat behind, “I do it all the time,” SFN1 told her. “They really want it. They just don’t know it.”

Oh, what gems fell from the lips of these paragons of wisdom. I’d heard it before, and it’s never failed to arouse my anger. Even guys have related stories about how this pleasure had been thrust upon them, and they seemed quite okay with it. They should have been indignant, raging over the violation. Instead, I was the one who experienced it on their behalf. It is fucking wrong.

Infuriated, I whirled from my tray full of beloved cheeses and confronted them. Loudly.

“What if I crammed my finger in your ass?” I demanded. “You know you’d fucking like it. Everybody knows you’d fucking like it. What if I fisted you? All women like it. All the ones who’ve had it say so. You just don’t know what you’re fucking missing.

I’ll just skim over the ensuing fracas and lay out the bare details. This is where I get called a stupid religious cunt who has a “stick up her ass” (in a totally nonsexual, unpleasant way) who is too sexually repressed to know “honesty” when I see it. I’m probably a feminazi-lesbo who thinks anything involving a dick is Bad. Evidently, getting fucked by a big cock will knock some sense into this Frigid Bitch (me).

Of course, I was expected to slink out in shame. I stormed out in a righteous rage. I’m not ashamed for saying what I did, or even reacting the way I did. They deserved it. Shame on those who silently stood by and stared at each other in embarrassment as I was reviled by those pathetic dregs of womankind. I’m not humiliated because of anything they said, nothing hit close to home. Everything they threw at me was nonsensical, and it’s beyond me why anyone thought that I’d be insulted. If anything, those women humiliated themselves and showed exactly what kind of people they are.

I know honesty when I hear it, and I know rape when I hear of it, too. Plain and simple, it’s sexual violation. If you cram one of your appendages into someone else’s hole uninvited you are a fucking rapist. The modern woman doesn’t get to spew out honesty without repercussions. Nor can she afford to think she’s emulating the openness of the characters in Sex and the City when she advocates such practices that fly in the face of all the things that real feminists everywhere are speaking against. If a man had said any of those things, he’d have been verbally castrated—at the very least. A woman who says those things shouldn’t expect anything less. That’s equality, baby. Love it, or leave it.

All the flowery verbiage I’ve padded their conversation with is just my way of prettying up a sordid facet of our culture: misandrists who consider themselves “sexually enlightened”, who fight the good fight against the Man who tries to oppress us. Sexual enlightenment and oppression are real things—I am not deriding them. But morons like these do absolutely nothing to better society, they’re just a new spin on an old story of disrespect, hatred, and violation. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and shrugged it off, but it’s just not in me to let others get away with such blatant hypocrisy. I am a feminist and with my flaming sword of truth I shall smite thee hip, thigh, and ego. Listen up, your cretins of all genders: Either get with the program and smarten up, or keep your fucking sexist notions to yourself.

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  • Yeah, short of excessive use of teeth, guys are pretty much going to say they like whatever it is a gal does, just so long as their dick is in her mouth. Not the best time to expect a rational, thought out decision from a guy.

  • What a wonderful rant! Except it was more than a rant, there were good politics to be had. The whole “you’ll like it, just be quiet” narrative is, um, rape!

    Incidentally, kudos for liking bald people. I am not even slightly bald but maybe one of these medications will change all that one day.

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