I’ve been thinking since my last post. Do we choose to be sexually inhibited? Or straight or bisexual or gay or anything else? They say that experiences shape who we are. If not for mine, would I be someone else today? Might I be one of those prim and proper people, exclaiming ewww over a request for a blowjob and wondering why my man sucks in bed? If a woman hit on me, would I say, “Forget it, that’s for sluts and lesbians!” Tracing my experiences back, you might see a straight line from the pervert I am today to the twelve-year-old girl wondering what this french kissing stuff was all about. But could my experiences have shaped me in any other way? Could I have avoided any of them? I don’t think so.
Today I own my own business, but before this I paid my way through college (well, mostly through; I never got my degree) working as an exotic dancer. My interest in exploring my sexuality didn’t start there, but it’s where it was able to thrive and grow. I don’t mean that taking off my clothes magically gave me a deeper understanding about my sexual nature. It was the women and men I got to know during this time who made me rethink a great many preconceived notions I’d had. Through these people I learned to have confidence in my sexuality, and not just acceptance of other people’s lifestyles, but a profound respect for those who live their lives the way they want to. Even if by doing so it flies in the face of convention. It takes guts to be who you are. And it’s damn sexy.
I might have been able to avoid dancing, but I didn’t, and I wouldn’t take it back for the world. I think I still would have reached the same conclusions that came so easily just by contact with others who were so sexually open. My time working in the adult industry has made a huge impact on my life and perception of the world. But even before I’d started dancing, I was on the road to inhibition. By the time I was out of high school, I knew I was bisexual. I’d spent most of my junior high and high school years wondering what the hell was wrong with me. What I a lesbian, or was I straight? Nothing could have changed what I went through then, and I wouldn’t take that hellish time back either. It made me who I am today.
It never dawned on me that I could be bisexual. I didn’t know the term, and even when I first heard of it, it was in the context of lesbian porn with a guy thrown in for some extra fun. But I had a starting point. I read books about homosexuality. I asked questions. And boy, was I relieved. I knew I was okay, I wasn’t the only one who’d gone through this. From there, I took the first steps in openly admitting I was bisexual: I hit on my cute friend. While that didn’t work out, I also didn’t get slapped, and I gained confidence from that encounter. I told more and more people. Most were shocked, seemingly “okay” with it, but in reality, they saw me differently after that. And that was okay. Once I realized who I was, I had no other options. I was done worrying about my sexuality. That was the hardest step for me: discovering who I was, and honestly assessing myself. With that behind me, exploring other” naughty” areas didn’t seem so intimidating or taboo.
So it seems that our choices do lead to those experiences that make us who we are, but being who we are, how could we choose differently? Maybe that’s why many of us alternative lifestylers are so kinky. We’ve already jumped the biggest hurdle. Ourselves.