Tight Like That

“He said it was nine inches. I mean, come on. Like, nine? He’s lying,” my friend told me. I crunched loudly on my mouthful of croutons and nodded on cue, not really listening. I wondered if I could flag down the waiter and change my drink order to a margarita instead of the iced tea. She jabbed her fork at me to emphasize her point. “What makes him think I’m going to sleep with him, much less meet him? Guys on dating sites are such liars.”

“Stop using them, then,” I told her, slightly irritated. She’d been on this kick before. “Or stop encouraging those jerks with pictures of your breasts.” Oops. Too late I remembered that I’d said that last time and set her off on a tirade. Morosely, I crammed a forkful of greens in my mouth and waited for her to get it over with.

“Are you saying it’s my fault they’re perverts? I’m asking for a big dick?” she demanded. That was what I was saying. If you send somebody pictures of your bare breasts, you’re inviting sexual overtures. Doesn’t take a genius to figure that out. I’m all for talking about sex openly and honestly with others, but I wasn’t in the mood for an argument. I’d already stated my opinion before, and right then I just wanted to eat and indulge in a little light gossip. I tried a little redirection.

“Tit for tat,” I replied, chuckling over the pun as she glared balefully at me. So I’m a dork. Big deal. At least it got her off the subject. But it did get me thinking about it on my own.

Guys who talk about the size of their cocks get a lot of hype. Most assume that they’re lying if it’s over six and a half inches, as if it’s common practice to exaggerate the true measurement whenever they talk about it on-line. No doubt some do, on-line as well as off, but almost every time I’ve been able to corroborate a claim, I find the guy to be honest. Of course, if we’re talking about cybersex, the suspension of disbelief is a factor. You can hardly hold it against someone if they’re trying to deliver what they think you want.

What surprises me however is the hypocrisy of some of the ladies who criticize these guys. The same women who belittle a man who talks about his cock will say things like, “I can’t take more than one finger, I’m just too small down there.” Or they’ll say, “Guys always tell me I’m way too tight,” making a sad little moue at their predicament. Sometimes you’ll hear a woman complain that she’s tired of being “accused” of having implants. Predictably, we stare at her perfectly shaped breasts and agree that it’s a gosh darn shame that some people can’t tell the difference. Drawing attention to our sexy bits is the oldest trick in the book. Don’t get me wrong, I probably do want to look at her sexy bits. I just think it’s a cheesy advertising ploy.

I’m not saying that it’s false advertising, maybe these ladies are tight. Maybe their breasts are perfect, firm globes of delight. But they point these facts out for the same reason some men use penile hyperbole: to pique someone’s sexual interest. Get ’em aroused and raring to go. That’s the theory, anyway. Tighter, smaller, bigger, rounder: as we’re always telling men, it’s not the size that counts. It’s the sexual confidence, style, and ingenuity (amongst other things!) we throw into the mix that makes us the hotties we are.

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