Boring Porn > Boring Sex?

I’d planned to spend my Halloween running around town, pitching in for my mom and one of my best friends, attending an evening meeting, and somehow managing to get some paperwork done betwixt it all. Instead, I ditched everyone and everything to stay in and watch some videos a friend had lent me, gorging myself on candy and booze while I pummeled my mind with erotic images. Sounds like a simple and effective stress-reliever, doesn’t it? Not this time.

Somehow, somewhere, I must have hit on Lady Luck and thoroughly managed to revolt and piss her off. (Who knew she was straight?) I think it was this past June. The gods know I haven’t gotten lucky since then. So, back to my wasted evening. Sticky, smirking children descended on me, stole my beautiful hand-carved pumpkins (as opposed to those non-existent machine-carved ones), and scarfed down all my candy. That sucked, but I really didn’t need to rot my teeth, anyway. I’d fortuitously remembered that parents down like their kids drinking beer, so I hadn’t handed any out and I was still well stocked. That’s all that matters in the end; everybody knows that booze’s what makes a porn night so great.

I lined up the beer bottles and a jug of vodka (even beer needs a chaser) on the coffee table and dug the videos out of my backpack. My friend gave the first of them a good billing: bisexual girls and guys. Obviously, the DVD had been cobbled together from a variety of clips. They were all high quality video, thank goodness. But that was the only highlight. The one thing I hate most about so-called “quality” porn is that the producers always feel the need to include a plot. That usually means ten whole minutes of lame dialogue. Yeah, thanks for the intromission scene. Get to the fucking already. Homemade DVDs don’t usually have scene selection, either, so I had to forward through a whole bunch of yapping. Finally, in the middle of the clip, some action.

And man, was it boring.

Very dull, uninspired blow job from the guy’s girlfriend. Sure, the third-wheel guy gets a little anal from the hung boyfriend. But it was all nice and slow and methodical. Too many indifferent exclamations: “mmm”, “yeah”, “oh, god.” In fact, all of the scenes on that DVD were boring. I was on my third beer before I ejected it and shoved in another. (See, even that last sentence was hotter.) That DVD and the ones following were all just as bad, or close enough. No hardcore, nothing remotely kinky. By the time I’d viewed them all, I had a good buzz going and needed something to get me off.

So of course I turned to my computer. After some surfing on Technorati, I followed some decent blogs to a few different sex blog directories. Thank god. Free, decent porn at last. In fact, I got off more reading the personal weblogs of some of the women I found there than I did on the porn. Since I was drunk, I can’t remember them (and I don’t cache my history), so I’ve no links. But I did bookmark Sexblog Demon. There was another that I can’t quite recall, with a ‘toon of a pot-bellied dork on the main page that was good. But, as I said, I was drunk. That might’ve been my neighbor.

I’ve had worse sex, but I have to say, I think bad and boring porn is worse. You sometimes take it for granted that you’re going to get off. You don’t expect it to be like a date, all the hassle with all the attendant what-the-fuck-am-I-doing vexation. However, I didn’t have to wax at all, and I did get to eat on the couch. All in all-and despite all of my bitching, I’ll admit it-I got my happy ending: a drunken orgasm. Yay.

2 Comments

  • Eucalingus wrote:

    Porn dialogue template:

    “[Stimulate] that [anatomical portion]!”
    “[Expletive] yeah! You [activity] so good!”

    Repeat until (b)oregasm…

  • alex is dating wrote:

    drunken orgasm? :)

    can i meet you?

Leave a Reply

Your email is never shared.Required fields are marked *