For the Bride

I have to say, the concept of the “blushing bride” leaves me cold.  Perhaps if you’ve been saving your virginity for your wedding night, or you’re particularly sexually-inhibited, it’s understandable that one would feel a little abashed when opening all the honeymoon gifts.  It has always been my understanding that bridal shower gifts are either for the honeymoon, small personal items that are for the bride alone, or sappy flower-bedizened stuff that has no discernible function.

So okay, following those rules, I usually throw together a standard honeymoon kit: something edible, something to wear, something to use on or with your beloved.  This time it was four flavors of Lickit & Luvitt Chocolate Love Cream, a massage candle (I didn’t buy it from Good Vibrations, I just couldn’t remember the brand name—same idea, though), a couple of huge, plumy feathers, a few flavored lubes, and—just to be humorous and because I couldn’t resist buying them—some pasties.  Every angle covered nicely. So to speak. ; )

I was mighty surprised at all the sidelong looks I was getting when my gift was opened.  The bride’s mother seemed particularly scandalized, even though she oohed and ahhed over the lingerie & candle gift set, giggled at the fluffy little pillow embroidered with the legend, “Do Not Disturb!  Just Married!”, and beamed over the champagne bucket & glasses gift set.  She herself yanked out a couple of wine bottles.  I don’t see why it’s more acceptable to give negligees and other junk so you can truss yourself up like some sacrificial virgin.  I’d’ve figured my stuff would fit right in with the “Get drunk and fuck!” theme.  No doubt she sees her daughter as the All American Peaches n’ Cream Girl, but my friend is the woman who taught me how to tie easy-release sailors’ knots (sure, for boating) and introduced me to the joys of flashing cops just to see if they’d pull us over.  I’m sure she’ll make full use of the goodies I picked out, and probably come up with a few more uses that I wouldn’t have thought of…right away.

I seriously need a fucking crash course in bridal etiquette. Thank god there’ll be strippers and hard liquor tomorrow, all this reality is really wearing me down.

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