My Come-hither Approach to Dating

I joined some dating site a while back. How’d I get there? A relatively short story: someone recommended I join to “check it out” and I stuck around. So here’s what I decided would almost instantaneously make men fall in love with me. (Imagine my image here, surrounded by “stats”.)

Me: A vegetarian who wears leather boots. Yoga in the morning and shots at night. Self-reliant, intelligent, easy-going, self-assured, capable, resourceful, forceful, competent, exacting, lazy on Sundays. I’m not looking for a relationship, and I’m not going to listen to you expound on “Why Women Don’t Like Nice Guys”.

You: Know the difference between “there”, “they’re” and “their”. Understand that “a lot” is comprised of two different words. Can pick your way through the intricacies of using “to”, “too”, and “two” in a sentence. Never use “U” except in “U-turn”, “U-boat”, or the like. Never say, “I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body.” You are none of the following: arrogant, unctuous, belligerent, egotistical, narcissistic, smarmy, complacent, or oleaginous.

I’m just looking to make friends and pleasant acquaintances right now, swap e-mail, chat, etcetera–not sexual encounters in a dark parking lot or any relationship that involves cuddling or swapping saliva. I don’t reply to all of my e-mails, and I don’t accept any under fifty characters in length. Frankly, I just can’t keep up with you all. And please don’t send me pictures of your cars, unless they’re muscle cars or hot rods and you intend to let me drive them. Otherwise, you’re just a tease. I do read all of my hate mail, however, and though I don’t reply, please be assured that I do chuckle at them. So keep it coming, boys!

Evidently, I’m a femi-grammar-nazi in a lot of people’s eyes. Can you imagine?

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